Think happy thoughts
by vvilma
Summary: What if killing yourself is the only happy thought you have? Including dark!Finland, depression and cutting/blood. Some SuFin later.
1. Prologue

Think happy thoughts  
Author: vvilma  
Rating: M maybe...? I don't knooowww but I don't want that someone gets shocked by this or something.  
Fandom: APH  
Pairing(s): SuFin  
Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort  
**Warnings:** cutting = blood, thoughts of suicide, depression, etc. + dark!Finland  
Summary: What if killing yourself is the only happy thought you have?  
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia blablabla.

**A/N (PLEASE read):** so. at first I would like to say: DON'T READ THIS IF YOU HATE CUTTING AND/OR DEPRESSION STORIES. Most of these depression parts in this story are BASED ON REAL LIFE. Sooo... true pain etc. (And yes, they are based on my life, but you don't have to worry about me, okay~?) And that is also the reason why this story is really personal to me.  
And that's the reason why Finland aka Tino is the main character. I'm from Finland, so he felt the most fitting. Not because of his usual personality, but... for some reason. lol.  
Anyways, here is the prologue which is shorter than this author's note. Sorry. We here in Finland mark time like this, but: 21:20 = 9.21 pm.

prologue

_21:20_

Tino shut the door carefully and turned the radio on. Some stupid, auto-tuned party song hit Tino's ears, and he frowned. Not his style of music but it was popular radio channel, so what would you expect? Tino made sure the volume was loud enough and took sharp knife out of his drawer. Little smile sneaked to his face when he closed the drawer and ran his fingertips at knife's edge. His precious way to escape.

Tino rolled up his shirt's left sleeve and glanced all the old, still red cuts on his arm. Most of them weren't deep, _not deep enough _Tino's mind said, but there were cuts after all. Lots of cuts. _Not enough_. Tino smiled, pressed the knife against his arm and slit quickly. Blood started to drip from the fresh cut, slowly but surely.

_21:46_

Tino was sure he would throw up any minute now. He hid the knife to its old place – under his notebooks in the drawer – and watched his arm. There were only couple of new cuts, but one of them was deep. Too deep. _No, it isn't too deep. Just deeper than the others._ Tino wrapped paper towel around the deepest cut, pulled his sleeve down and listened carefully. He could hear his parents chatting in their bedroom, but they were about to go to sleep. He took deep breath, opened his room's door and sneaked to the bathroom.

_22:12_

Tino smiled. His cuts were burning, there were blood on his shirt and he felt how there was that sick feeling in his throat. All his tears were gone already, which was good. It was first time in weeks when he actually was able to cry. He had tears, he always felt them behind his eyes, but they never came. So Tino was also relieved – now the tears wouldn't come at school or during dinner with his parents. Sure that sick feeling in his throat would follow him, but he was used to it.

_01:31_

It was still bleeding. Tino could feel how blood came through his bandage. _Fuck_. And he had P.E. tomorrow. At school's sports field. In the sunshine and heat. _Fuck, fuck_. He would die if he went there with long sleeved shirt, but if he would wear short sleeves... _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. No-one knew, and Tino didn't want anyone to know. It was his bloody little secret, his way to speak. The only thing what was able to make him smile without faking.  
It was time to skip another P.E. class again.

**A/N2:** sooo... review?


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

Well. The first chapter is here. It's mostly wrote down at school (which is why I can already see my grades coming down... ooops. secondary high = notsomuchfun), and that's why it mostly happens at school. But I don't think it is a bad thing at all~ This chapter doesn't have that... sad feeling in it than the prologue did, and this will mostly be Tino's angst and high school drama... at first. So I hope any of you aren't disappointed ):

Also, also. THANK YOU GUYS for favorites/follows/reviews etc. They literally make my day everytime, so thanksthanks~ Keep reviewing, so I can continue this~

aaannnddd all translations for Finnish can be found after the story (at the bottom there you know)~

Chapter 1

Tino yawned and tried to concentrate. Teacher spoke fast and Tino wasn't able to follow his words. Yes, Tino loved history over everything, but when the teaching was done in English he wasn't so into it. Of course Tino knew English, he used to study it in Finland. But now all the people around him talked it, and he wasn't really _that_ good at it.

Tino's family moved to England this summer. Tino's father got new job with better salary and working environment here and so they moved. Tino's mom was okay with it – she loved London and English was easy to her. Tino wasn't that happy. He was forced to leave all his friends, his school and, the most important, his loved mother language. Well, of course they talked Finnish at home, but Tino didn't see his parents that much. So mostly he talked it by himself or with his friends at online. Tino was actually kind of happy that he hadn't made that much new friends – he didn't have to talk English and sound stupid while speaking it. Finnish was so different compared to English and everytime Tino had to speak it his brains started to hurt. No, it definitely wasn't his language. The only good thing about it was that Tino went an international school, so he wasn't the only one with language problems.

"Oi, Mr. Väinämöinen, you have to wake up from your dreams." Tino woke up from his thoughts and smiled apologizingly.  
"Yes, I'm sorry." Teacher nodded and Tino left out a sigh. He wrote down notes which appeared to the blackboard and tapped his pencil against his notebook. Only five minutes and then he would be free to go.

Tino zigzagged his way to school's main hall where were the building's only coat racks. There were many lines of them, and it always took some time to find your own jacket. Also spaces between the racks were tiny and when there was many people trying to find their jackets, it really doesn't left you any personal space. Tino found his jacket and took it with him. He knew he shouldn't put his jacket on yet when there was no space. He turned around and at the same time someone tried to reach her own jacket over Tino – girl's hand made sharp movement and hit Tino's left arm – the arm with fresh cuts.

Tino didn't scream aloud but he felt how tears of pain came to his eyes. He dropped his jacket and almost fainted – he felt how blood started to get through his bandages. That one fucking deep cut was going to kill him with all this pain.  
"Oh, are you okay?" Tino lift his eyes from the floor, but he couldn't nod – the pain was overwhelming and Tino was so scared the blood would smudge his shirt's sleeve. All the words in his head were Finnish cursing words, so he thought not to answer.  
"Are you okay?" the girl asked again, with kinda worried tone and - after seeing Tino's painful expression – she gently took Tino out from the tiny space they were. She found empty bench and made him to sit on it.  
"I'm sorry if I hurted you... There's something wrong with your arm?" Tino took deep breathe and smiled little.  
"No, it is okay. I just, umm, I mean, I broke my arm during summer and it never healed well. But I'm okay, just surprised", he made up. Girl smiled in relief and patted Tino's shoulder.  
"Please tell me if I accidentally broke it again or something, I'll pay the doctor and everything", she said and after a happy smile she left with her jacket. Tino sighed, put his own jacket on and left the school building.

Tino made it home really quickly – he was sure his shirt's sleeve was covered in blood and his arm was aching more and more. He threw his jacket on his bed and took off his shirt. Most of the bandages were clean, but the one covering the deepest cut was smudged with blood. Tino slowly peeled the bandage off and hided it under all other trashes in his room's trash pin. He washed the cut once again – he had to fight against screaming – and put new bandage over it. It was hurting now even more than earlier, and seeing his own flesh made Tino feel really sick. That sick feeling in his throat came back and Tino was sure he wouldn't be able to eat in hours.  
"Tino?" Tino flinched when he heard his own name, grabbed clean shirt from his wardrobe and opened his room's door while smiling his usual smile.  
"Niin?" Tino's mother, one of the happiest woman who Tino had never seen, smiled to her only son. She was always smiling, and Tino was happy he had the same smile.  
"Kuinka koulussa meni?" woman asked while hugging her son. They were really close family, they always talked about their days and hugged each other alot. Not the most typical Finnish family, Tino thought, but he liked it.  
"Ihan hyvin. Mulla on paljon läksyjä...", Tino said prescriptivily and gave an apologizing smile to his mother. Woman laughed and tossed her long, blonde hair over her shoulder.  
"Totta kai, tee ne vain rauhassa. Tulen sanomaan kun ruoka on valmista." Tino nodded, closed the door and sighed. He loved his family, especially his mother. But he just couldn't tell her about his cutting or suicidal thoughts. Tino knew that his mother would blame herself, and Tino loved his mother too much to make her worry even more about him. Of course she truly _was _his mother, but she was already really concerned about Tino because his new school and his problems with speaking English.

Tino actually didn't know how he ended up cutting. He had always been kinda perfectionist and when something didn't go too well he had massive anxiety attacks. At first they just made Tino tired and apathetic, but later his mind asked for something more _physical_. So, every time when something went wrong, Tino stole a sharp knife from kitchen and made couple of cuts. Not deep ones, he pressed just a little to feel the pain and see the blood. And after many cuts Tino couldn't control his need of physical pain anymore. Cutting become his daily habit and usually he did it without any actual reason. The pain helped him to fake all smiles and hold his tears back during school. He was still alive because he knew that after a hard day he would turn the radio on, take his precious knife and make some new cuts – two or twenty of them. And even if Tino knew his habit was sick, he was destroying his arms and his suicidal thoughts could always make him to actually commit suicide, he would never tell anyone. His image was too kind, pure and happy for this kind of secret. And it was actually a part of his self harming – making sure no-one would never know. And how could someone even wonder something like that about always smiling Tino?

"Oi, sweetie!" Tino look up and frowned. There was very well known German boy standing next to him. Tino shared many courses with boy's little brother, Ludwig, but this guy was year older than Tino and his little brother. So they really didn't know each other at all, and Tino couldn't say he knew even Ludwig that well – they had had couple of conversations, but nothing more.  
"Name is Tino", Tino said and moved his concentration back to his math homeworks. It was 8 o'clock on Wednesday morning and the first class would start after 15 minutes.  
"Whatever, tiny. Ludwig told me that you're a nice guy, so wanna listen what I'm tryin' to say?" white-haired boy asked. Tino put his math book away to his bag and nodded. The German one smiled.  
"Great! Well, the awesome I, Gilbert if you didn't know, am holding a party to celebrate that this first full month of school is finally over. So, Friday evening at 9 pm at mine and Ludwig's place. I'll get all the drinks, just because most of you guys are fucking poor, so you just have to come there. Here is the address and my phone number if you get lost. Ya coming?" Gilbert finished his speech and handed small piece of paper to the Finn. Tino took the paper and smiled.  
"Sure."  
"Awesome! See you then, cutie." After he said that Gilbert left Tino alone with a small piece of paper in his hand. Tino put the paper to his wallet and made sure he won't lose it. He truly didn't have too much friends here, so it was time to make them. Even if it would include alot of alcohol, drunken teenagers and scary older ones. Well, Gilbert wasn't actually that scary but his friends... Tino couldn't say they were _scary_, but they were so adultish and tall compared to Tino. Even though the age difference was only one year. And Tino was usually the shortest.  
But still.

**Translations:  
**Niin? = Yes? / What?  
Kuinka koulussa meni? = How was school?  
Ihan hyvin. = Pretty well / nicely.  
Mulla on paljon läksyjä. = I have lots of homeworks. (mä/mulla is actually vernacular form of minulla)  
Totta kai. = Sure / of course  
Tee ne vain rauhassa. = Just do them at peace (= you don't have to hurry with them).  
Tulen sanomaan kun ruoka on valmista. = I will tell you when the food is ready.

**A/N2:** YES. I love Prussia/Gilbert.  
YES. There is always one chapter with drunken teenagers in my stories. deal with it~  
AND YES. You can always review~


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N:** here it is - another super-short chapter for Think happy thoughts! This time including drunken teenagers, depressed Tino and some DenNor-ish moments. (DenNor is my OTP, I can't write a long fiction without it.) Also hints for GerIta can be founded if you think hard enough. Very much new characters and so on.  
I think this is even shorter than the 1st chapter and GOD that was short.  
This is mostly wrote down at school also :~D sorry, teachers!

Sooooooo,  
please enjoy~

Think happy thoughts - chapter 2  
(Äiti = mom in Finnish)

"Äiti?" Tino sat down at the kitchen table and watched his mom. Woman's long hair were tied up and she sang some old Finnish song while making the dinner.  
"Niin~?" she sang and smiled to her son. Tino laughed and moved his eyes to the table. Now was the time to ask if he could go to Gilbert's party on Friday. Sure he said he would come, but if his mom disagrees... Tino could never, ever go somewhere behind his mom's back! So Tino took deep breath and told his mom that he got an invitation to one guy's party. Of course he didn't mention the alcohol or anything like that. There were things that even Tino, being usually nice and honest, didn't tell, including drinking alcohol underaged or his self harming. His mom would live happily without knowing.

Of course Tino got the permission. His mom was really happy that her son was actually doing something with his new friends from school. So at 9 pm on Friday evening Tino left his home and with his mobile phone's (Nokia, of course) GPS he was able to find Beilschmidts' house. Well, it was more like a mansion with a huge garden and couple of fountains. Tino made sure he was on the right street and knocked the door. He was able to hear a light thumping of music, so he was kinda sure the place was right. When Ludwig opened the door Tino knew his phone's GPS was the best.  
"Tino! You actually came! Wonderful", Ludwig said and let Tino to come in.

The house was big. It had three floors, expensive-looking furniture and lots of paintings on its walls. A large living room, which dominated the first floow, was full of people mostly from Tino's school. People's talking was louder than the music which was a good thing – Tino didn't like radio hits that much.  
"Sweety! Nice to see ya!" Gilbert looked so different without his school uniform. His hair were even more messed up than usually and he really seemed to be an adult – which he of course was, but he usually didn't behave like one. Tino felt himself like an elementary schooler.  
"Nice to see you, too", Tino said and smiled. Gilbert grinned and landed his hand on Tino's shoulder.  
"Of course, it's always awesome to be with me. Anyways, what is your taste?" Tino was leaded to supermodern kitchen where were many freezer full of bottles. At the long table was sitting more people, loudly laughing.  
"I... I don't know! Too many choises!" Tino paniced, which made Gilbert laugh.  
"It's okay. Here, I fot some Finnish vodka to you, I thought it would make you feel like home", Gilbert said and handed a bottle of vibrant liquid to Tino. The Finn smiled happily.  
"Thanks! I love this!" Tino said and almost hugged the familiar bottle. Gilbert smirked.  
"Drink it as much as you want – no-one else wants it anyway."

Tino giggled and took a long sip from his glass. Mixture of vodka and soda burned his throat, but he wasn't able to feel it well anymore. He was sitting at the kitchen table with Ludwig, the Italian twins Feliciano and Lovino, Gilbert's best friends Antonio and Francis, and their friends Mathias the Dane and Swedish Berwald. Next to Tino was usually stone-faced Norwegian, Lukas, who shared many courses with Tino. Now Lukas was laughing his heart off with drunken blush on his face.  
"...and then he called me and cried that he didn't knw where he actually was!" Mathias ended his story and laughter filled up the kitchen.  
"I knew where I was! I just didn't know my way to home!" Lukas shouted and the laughted got even more noisy.  
"You're so cute when you're drunk, Lukas!" Francis said and opened up a new bottle of wine. Lukas smiled widely and finished his sixth bottle.  
"I need some more too, wanna come with me?" Mathias asked and left the kitchen with Lukas. All drinks were moved to living room because most of the people were there.  
"He l'ves h'm so m'ch", Berwald said and got weird looks.  
"Whaddaya mean?" Antonio asked.  
"Mathias. He h's big cr'sh o' L'kas", the Swedish said.  
"How do you know?" Lovino wanted to know. Berwald shrugged.  
"I j'st see it", he said. Francis laughed kindly.  
"Well, they would totally be cute together, but we all know that they are so different compared to each other, so... it wouldn't work", the French said and Ludwig nodded.  
"You're right. Plus, Lukas' conservative family would kill him for dating a guy, and Mathias knows that. He isn't stupid, so he could never tell about his feelings to Lukas, if there actually is some feelings", the German said.  
"Ve~ that's just so sad!" Feliciano said clearly sad. Lovino frowned.  
"You idiot, you think that Mathias' love towards another guy is a good thing?"  
"Ve~ you're even worster than Lukas' parents!"  
"Ha! You know, Mathias could get anyone, all the girls in our school like him! And BAM, he is gay! This is straight from bad high school drama", Lovino said. "I didn't mean it's bad thing that he is gay, I think it's rather cute."

Tino knew he was drunk. His sight was little blurred, he couldn't feel his lips and walking straight wasn't the easiest thing to do. Tino was left alone in the kitchen – Antonio and Francis were carrying nearly passed out Gilbert to his bed, Lovino's voice was shouting in the living room, Mathias and Lukas were hunting some more alcohol and Ludwig went to his room with Feliciano. Tino poured water to his empty glass and drank it. He wanted to clear his head a little before next bottle. He put empty glass to the draining board and then he saw it – silverish and small knife on the border of the draining board. Instinctively Tino runned his fingertips over his shirt's left sleeve which was covering his old scars and cuts. He hadn't cut in two days – his personal record. And now he was all alone in that kitchen, no-one would even remember him or anything else. Without hesitation Tino took the knife, lifted his left sleeve up and slitted quickly. Alcohol was running in his veins and he couldn't feel anything. He saw how the cuts became deeper and deeper after another, but there was no pain and it made Tino actually very mad. He used all his power to press the knife, squeezed knife's handle and without moving it he was able to see blood. Great, now he would definitely feel something...  
"Tino? Tino! What the fuck are you doing?" Tino dropped the knife when he heard someone shouting his name behind his back. Blood was dripping to the kitchen floor and his shirt's both sleeves were smudged of it. The shouter turned Tino around and took his arm so he could get a look of them.  
"Tino... what is this... why?" Tino could feel tears coming to his eyes when he saw Mathias' sad and shocked face. He started shaking and tears flowed to his cheeks. Mathias hugges the crying Finn and ran his fingers through Tino's hair.  
"Shh, calm down. Come, let's go to the bathroom and wash your arm, okay? I think I saw some bandages there, too", Mathias said and leaded Tino to the second floor, where was Beilschmidts' home's seldomly used bathroom. Mathias switched the lights on and made Tino to sit on the edge of bathtub. Carefully the older boy washed Tino's slitted up arm and all its cuts, and he even bandaged it for Tino. All that time Tino was sobbing in shock. He didn't mean to cut so badly, and when he saw how sad Mathias was... It made Tino feel himself even more ashamed.  
"Mathias? Tino? Tino... oh my god..." Tino knew who was standing there at the bathroom's door staring at the Finn's bandaged arm. Mathias stood up and quickly hugged almost crying Lukas.  
"Don't cry, everything is now okay. Tino just had a little... accident, but he is fine now."  
"No. He definitely IS NOT fine, Mathias. Are you fucking blind? When someone... oh my god this makes me sick..." Lukas said, walked to Tino and placed his hands onto the Finn's shoulders. He was staring to Tino's tear-filled eyes and tried not to watch Tino's bandaged arm.  
"Listen, Tino. We don't know each other too well yet, but you really have to talk about this. What is wrong? We, well at least I, want to help you. You don't have to hurt yourself, it's just wrong. You are so perfect, and we all love you so so much. You always bright our days up, our little sunshine. We didn't have any clue you are doing something like this to yourself. And we don't want you to hurt yourself anymore at all, okay? Can you please tell why you cut yourself?" Lukas said and tears came to his eyes, too. Tino let out a painful cry and he hugged Lukas so tightly that at the end they were sitting on the bathroom's floor hugging each other and crying. Lukas fondled Tino's back gently and whispered 'everything will be fine' – sentence to his ear.

"Mathias?" The Dane lifted his eyes from sleeping Tino to Lukas who was sitting next to him at a mattress they were going to share for a night. Digital clock at Gilbert's bedside table was shouting numbers 02 and 42 and the room was full of sleeping people. At Gilbert's bed there were actually three people sleeping – Gilbert himself, Francis and Antonio. Next to the bed was another wide mattress where were sleeping the American brothers. Then there were Tino's and their mattresses. All the other people were sleeping either at the living room's couches or in Ludwig's room.  
"Yes?" Mathias wasn't able to see Lukas' face because of the darkness, but he felt how the Norwegian was shaking slightly.

"I'm so worried about Tino... All those cuts on his arm, and he didn't even do them all tonight. What if... what if he kills himself?" Mathias heard from Lukas' trembling voice that he was crying. The older boy wrapped his arms around Lukas and placed gently kiss on his hair.  
"Don't worry, we'll take care of him. He will get help. You don't have to worry about him so much in the future, I promise", the Dane said and dried tears from Lukas' cheeks. Lukas took deep breath and set his head on Mathias' shoulder.  
"You promise?"  
"I promise. Now you should close your eyes and get some sleep. You'll have horrible hangover tomorrow."

**A/N2:** ...review?

I feel so sorry for Tino ): (and Lukas. But more about him in the future~)


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Da-doooommmm, here I am again ! :D With me is the most unclear chapter of Think happy thoughts! This has so much different days and characters and everything in it that I can say this is the WORST chapter ever... I'm sorry, but next chapter is better because I know 100% clearly what it will have inside of it (that sentence doesn't make any sense ok) and this is some kind of... filling chapter ):

ANYWAYS. I have got some really nice reviews to this story, and all you guys who are following and/or favorited, THANK YOU. You make my day~  
I hope you enjoy~

Think happy thoughts - Chapter 3  
Scheiße = shit in German.

Tino woke up but he didn't open his eyes. Through window's Venetian blind came some light and Tino could hear cars driving outside. Slowly he opened his eyes and saw wooden ceiling. Around him were group of sleeping people and he could still smell the alcohol's smell floating in the room.  
"Scheiße...", someone said behind Tino and soon tangle-haired Gilbert cranked himself out from the bed. "Headache?" the German asked when he saw Tino was awake.  
"No", he answered and watched how Gilbert left the room silently cursing. Tino sighed. No, his head wasn't aching, his left arm was. He remembered the whole night and quickly he glanced Mathias and Lukas who were still sleeping. He rolled up his shirt's left sleeve and saw well-bandaged arm with no smudges of blood – and Mathias was drunk while doing it! Tino left the sleeve loose, decided to go downstairs and search for some painkillers.

It was raining on Monday. School's floor was slippery because of all the water and no-one smiled when Tino zigzagged his way to history class. He sat down on a bench and squeezed water from his hair.  
"Never heard of umbrella?" Tino wanted to punch Mathias who had sat next to him.  
"I don't own an umbrella", the Finn said. Mathias laughed.  
"Poor you. I think you really should buy one – they've been forecasting rain for the whole week", the older boy said. Tino sighed and after a little silence the Dane became serious. "Have you talked with Lukas?"  
"No?"  
"He said he wants to talk. Maybe about your... accident on Friday", Mathias said and glanced Tino's left arm, which of course was covered with shirt's sleeve. Tino looked down and nodded.  
"Maybe we'll talk today."

Tino couldn't believe that Lukas was actually worried about him. They didn't know each other very well and Tino's view of Lukas was that he was actually kinda scary. While sober he didn't show his feelings, he was quiet and usually very mean towards other people – anyway Lukas was able to read people so well that Tino couldn't be totally relaxed at his company. His grades were good, all the teachers liked him because he concentraded on class and always did his homeworks and he never skipped classes without a good reason. So, there he was, cross-shaped hairpin on his hair, wearing the school uniform and drinking coffee while listening biology teacher's speech about DNA. Everybody knew that Lukas' family was really conservative and religious. No-one knew if Lukas himself shared the same values as his parents. Sure his hairpin was cross-shaped but even non-religious people wore cross-shaped jewerly – and usually Lukas' hairpin was actually up-side down.  
"So. Because our time is running out, please read chapter 12 at home and remember that your essays are due Monday. See you tomorrow", teacher said and students started talking while packing their books. Tino threw his book in his bag and was just about to leave the class room when he felt a hand on his shoulder.  
"Hi, Tino. Do you have time after school?" Tino looked Lukas in the eyes. The Norwegian wasn't smiling but his look was friendly. Tino nodded.  
"Yes. See you at the main hall after the last lesson?" Lukas nodded and disappeared so quickly that Tino wasn't sure which direction he went. The Finn sighed and headed to the language corridor where he had his last lesson of the day.

Tino loved coffee – its scent, its taste and its effect to his tired brain. He smiled to his precious cup of coffee which he didn't buy himself. There was amused smile on Lukas' lips when he saw how happy the Finn was just because of a single cup of coffee.  
"I'll repay to you, I promise", Tino said and smiled. Lukas shook his head.  
"Nah, you don't have to. It's just a coffee, and I offered it", the Norwegian said. Tino's smile widened – nothing was better than a cup of free coffee! Lukas chuckled and took a sip from his coffee. It was still raining and most of the people in the café were soaked. They could hear people cursing about the weather and the upcoming flu-season.  
"Well... You wanted to talk?" Tino said when he got tired of the silence between him and Lukas. The Norwegian nodded.  
"Yes. About Friday evening. Do you remember the whole night?" Lukas asked. There wasn't any kind of expression on his face and it was a feature in Lukas what Tino hated. You could never know what was going on in his head!  
"Joo. I-I mean, yes", Tino said and and laughed. He always started to speak Finnish when he got nervous.  
"I don't want to sound rude, but you aren't okay. You need help. I'm really scared that some day you'll go and kill yourself because of all that self hate you have in you", Lukas said. Amazed by the Norwegian's words Tino stared him. "I can see your want of commiting suicide from your eyes, and I don't like it. I'm not a therapist, but if you're afraid of professionals or diagnosies, I would love to listen. You _have_ to speak about your cutting and suicidal thoughts, Tino. It makes you feel better, trust me. We can together get some professional help to you, okay?"  
"How do you know it makes me feel better? Talking, I mean", Tino wanted to know. For the first time in his life Tino was able to see some sadness in Lukas' eyes.  
"I had one person in my life who had problems with cutting and depression, too. And he told me that when he talked about his thoughts, he felt better", Lukas said. Tino frowned.  
"How is he now? I mean, did he recover?"  
"No. At the end he thought that he shouldn't bother other people with his problems and he committed suicide a year ago. And I don't want you to do the same mistake", Lukas said. Even though that Norwegian was still quite scary and distant, Tino felt an urge to stand up and hug him. He seemed to be so sad and hurted because of his loved one's suicide that Tino felt himself sick – how sick would Lukas feel himself?  
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry", Tino said. Lukas shook his head and actually smiled to the Finn.  
"Don't care about it. I just want you to get better, so can you give me a promise?" Lukas asked. Tino nodded slowly. The Norwegian took a piece of paper and a pen out from his bag and wrote down a number chain. Then he gave the paper to Tino.  
"When you feel like cutting, call me. I'll answer, no matter what time it is. Promise?" Tino stared the paper, lifted his eyes back to Lukas and relieved smile sneaked onto his lips.  
"I promise."

"M'thias?" The Dane nodded as a sign he listened to his friend but he didn't take his eyes off from his homeworks. "C'n ya help me?"  
"With what?" Mathias asked when he saw that Berwald didn't have any unfinished homework.  
"W'th Tino."  
"Tino?"  
"Ja."  
"What about him?"  
"I wo'ld like t' get kn'w him b'tter. So... Do ya kn'w anythin' he's into?" Mathias grinned. He knew what was going on.  
"Sure! He loves coffee and history, and well he IS a Finn after all, so getting drunk is never a bad thing. But well, I don't know him even that much, Lukas told me all these facts. You can ask him or just go and talk to Tino - he is really nice anyway."

Tino stared his mobile phone which he had threw on to his bed. Next to it was a box of plasters, Tino's CD collection and a pile of paper towels. His CD player was screaming while playing some Finnish metal music, but Tino didn't hear it properly even though it was his favorite genre of music. No, he was too concentrated to his bleeding arm and silverish knife to even realize that his CD player was playing his favorite song. When song's last note was over and silence filled the room for two seconds Tino dropped the knife and cursed. Again, little bit too deep.  
_No, absolutely not too deep_.  
He stood up, catched some paper towels from his bed and pressed those papers over his bleeding cuts. He cursed more when he saw how the paper started to smudge and he ran to the bathroom. He cleaned his cuts with cold water and bandaged his arm while tears of pain and failure flowed to his cheeks. He just wasn't able to understand why he did it again, why he couldn't stop. The temptation to take that knife and just make the pain go away was always too strong to Tino to handle. Silently he sneaked back to his room, shut the door and fell down to his bed, next to his plaster box and CDs. His CD player was quiet and his phone was even more quiet. Tino sighed. He promised to Lukas that he would call, but still his phone was untouched. He didn't have the courage to take his phone and make that call. What a failure he was! But, after all, their school uniform's sleeves were long and Lukas couldn't see his arm – plus the autumn was coming and Tino would only wear long sleeved shirts because the days were cold and the wind was freezing. So actually there wasn't any problem if you asked Tino.

Tino yawned and took his jacket off. He was happy that it wasn't raining, but dark clouds were floating in the sky and Tino was sure he couldn't walk to home without getting soaked – no, he still doesn't owned an umbrella.  
"Tino! Good morning." Tino smiled widely to Ludwig who was getting his own jacket off.  
"Good morning. How are you?" the Finn asked and put his jacket to the coat rack. Ludwig followed his example.  
"Really tired, Gil and mom argued the whole night and I didn't get any sleep because of that. You?"  
"Better than you, I suppose. But you have a short day today, right? So you can go to sleep after school", Tino said and Ludwig nodded.  
"Yes, fortunately. What you'll do after school?" Ludwig asked when they left the main hall and headed to the math corridor.  
"Ah, I don't know yet. I have to write an essay to my biology class and then I should read some history... So maybe I'll study the whole evening - again", Tino said and sighed. Ludwig laughed and sat down on a bench which was outside of their math class room.  
"You'll study when we were about to ask you to come to McDonald's with us after school? No way, Tino." Mathias smiled widely and Tino had no idea where he came.  
"But I really have to do that essay", the Finn said. Mathias rolled his eyes.  
"C'mon, you! We'll eat quickly and I know you're hungry after school", the Dane said.  
"Okay, then. But, who actually is 'we'?" Tino asked, referring to Mathias' earlier statement of 'we asking'.  
"Me, Lukas and Berwald. I haven't had McDonald's a long time, so I really wanna go! And I heard that Lukas hadn't done that essay, so maybe you guys can make them together or something. Anyways, see you at three!" After he said that Mathias turned on his heels and left the math corridor.

**A/N2:** Next chapter has some drunk!DenNor, conversation between Lukas and Tino about the past and of course the adventure to McDonald's! (there is McDonald's about 400 meters away from my school and I go there like... about every Friday with my friends :D I HAD TO INCLUDE IT HERE. Sorry.)  
Please review~


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N:** ...my beta reader is going to kill me because I put this up before she read this BUT I HAVE A REASON. My exam week starts on Thursday and I can't a) write and b) publish anything before that and during that week because I'll live with my school books, so... Decided to put this up. It has many grammar errors and so on, but if I get the corrected version I promise I'll find time to update this. Sooooooooo please don't be mean and point out all my errors, I know there are much :D

AND OMG GUYS I GOT SO MUCH FOLLOWS AND FAVORITES TO THIS DURING THESE WEEKS OMG I LOVE YOU. I don't understand how you even find this lol.

So, something about this chapter. Too much Lukas and Mathias and too little Tino. Next chapter is all about Tino, so I decided to clear some things up before that chapter. blaablaablaa I don't have anything to say BUT: I love writing about drunken teenagers lol.

Translations can be found after the actual chapter.

Please enjoy (or even try to do so...)

Think happy thoughts - Chapter 4

"Ah~~ I'm so happy!" Lukas rolled his eyes when Mathias took first bite of his unhealthy fast food. "What? I'm hungry", the Dane stated and Lukas shook his head.  
"Nothing. You're just funny", the Norwegian said.  
"Ah~~ Food!" Mathias chuckled when Tino sat down and almost cried because of his fries.  
"See! We normal people are happy when we get food!" Mathias said and Lukas rolled his eyes again.  
"Okay, okay. I'm not normal then", he said and took a sip from his coffee – he said he wasn't hungry but the truth was that he hated fast food.  
"C'mon, Mathias. L'kas is j'st bein' sm'rt, unl'ss we", Berwald said. The Dane shrugged.  
"Yeah, he is just being, well, himself", Mathias said, smirked and took a punch from Lukas to his arm. Tino smiled and he was actually happy – he ate fast food with his friends and enjoyed it. He felt like a true teenager, and it wasn't a bad thing.  
"Mathias, h've ya d'ne the m'seum visit y't?" Berwald asked and woke Tinu up from his thoughts.  
"Yes! Lukas was with me and it was still boring!" Mathias said and smiled widely.  
"Museum visit?" Tino asked and Mathias nodded.  
"Yeap. It's a part of our history course. We have to go to one museum here in London and do an essay of the facts we learn there. Super boring and stupid assignment", Mathias said.  
"And I'm alr'ady late w'th it. G'nna go on S'turday to the Brit'sh M'seum."  
"Can I come with you? I-I mean, I love that museum!" Tino said.  
"You love every history-related museum, Tino", Lukas said. Tino nodded and smiled shyly.  
"Of co'rse ya can come. M'ybe I w'ont f'll asleep there if ya c'me w'th me."

Granted, Tino didn't know Berwald very well. They spent their time with the same people but they really didn't talk with each other that much. Berwald seemed to be shy but nice and friendly. His accent was strong but you were able to understand him – anyway, he wasn't that talkative. Tino was happy that on Saturday he could talk to Berwald and get to know him better. Plus, he got a chance to visit his favorite museum after a long time.  
"Tino? Wake up." Tino lifted his eyes to Lukas and smiled in shame.  
"Sorry, biology isn't enough to keep me concentrated", the Finn said and glanced his unfinished essay. Lukas nodded and put his essay to his bag.  
"I understand, it's not really that interesting", Lukas admitted, even though biology was one of his strong subjects. Tino smiled and with a help of Lukas' notes he was able to finish his own essay.  
"Thank you so much! This is my best essay ever", Tino said and handed the Norwegian's notes back to him. Lukas nodded, put his notes away and glanced the clock on Tino's table. They worked with their essays over two hours, and still Lukas wasn't very satisfied to his own work.  
"You okay?" Tino made sure when he saw how Lukas' expression went even more colder than it usually was. Lukas nodded and put a little smile on his lips.  
"Yeah, sure. Just... thoughts. Anyway, what about you? Are you okay?" Tino felt himself uncomfortable. He self-harmed himself almost every evening, but he never called to Lukas. He was way too scared of the Norwegian's words and what if Lukas would tell someone? No, Tino didn't want that.  
"I'm perfectly fine", the Finn lied and smiled brightly. Lukas smiled too and placed his hand on Tino's shoulder.  
"You know, I really hate it when people lie to me." Tino stared and Lukas actually giggled. "This is my secret ability. I can see when people lie to me, from their eyes. And, well, your eyes are really easy to read", Lukas said, took his hand from Tino's shoulder and put on more serious expression. "You promised to call."  
"I know I promised! But I was too scared to call, I feel like a serious failure after every time I cut and I think that everybody else thinks so, too", Tino said and sighed. He was so tired to his self-harming, but it was an addiction – he couldn't live without it. It was the only thing which was there when Tino needed a pain reliever and it never let him down.  
"No-one thinks like that, Tino. No-one. Do you even understand how serious your problem is?" Lukas asked. His eyes were full of grief and anger, but he actually wasn't angry to Tino – and the Finn knew it.  
"I... I don't know. Maybe? If I was able to stop this, I would! Do YOU think I would cut myself just for fun?"  
"Well, when somebody is so used to something, he usually does it without even noticing. So... yes, I do think so", the Norwegian said and sighed when Tino looked shocked. "Listen. There are so many people who would be really sad if you do something irreversible to yourself. Like, think about your parents, your friends and family in Finland. Think about me, Mathias and Berwald. Sometimes it feels like no-one care and you are alone, but then you have to take your phone or talk to your parents. Now, if I have to perform this speech to you one more time we'll go and get some help to you."

Mathias frowned and slowly opened his eyes when he heard his phone's ringtone. He went to bed early even though it was Friday evening - he had had really oppressive week. He yawned and reached for his phone which kept ringing. He saw the caller and was suddenly awake.  
"Lukas, it's 1 am."  
"I know. Come here, I wanna go home."  
"Excuse me? Where are you?" Mathias asked and left his comfortable bed, he had to put some actual clothes on.  
"At Arthur's. He is having some kind of party, and I came here because Arthur had my history notes. And now I'm really drunk and I want to go home. So can you please come here?" Lukas voice didn't sound like he was drunk, but Mathias knew Lukas. The Norwegian could be so drunk that he couldn't remember his own name but still sound like he was sober. Alcohol only made him to laugh more, it took his ability to walk and drunken Lukas was actually really emotional and in need of intimacy.  
"Okay, stay there. I'll come in five minutes", Mathias said and hang up before Lukas answered. He left his room and took his motorcycle's keys with him. Silently Mathias made his way to the outer hall and without a voice he took two helmets from shelf.  
"Hvor skal du hen?" Mathias turned around and glanced his mom. She seemed to be still sleepy, but there was asking look in her eyes. Mathias smiled his trademark-smile.  
"Jeg... umm... Jeg er, erm..." Mathias' mom was the only person who was able to make Mathias wordless because of her gaze. Surprisingly the woman smiled.  
"Går bare og har det sjovt. Men ikke slog dig selv, ok?" Mathias smiled, made sure his intention was not to hurt himself and ran to his motorcycle.  
After five minutes Mathias turned his motorcycle off and took his helmet off. Lukas was standing in front of large detached house, and there was a blond guy with him.  
"Mathias! Thank God you came", Arthur said and smiled. Mathias grinned and nodded.  
"Sure, I'm sorry I wasn't able to take part in the actualy party – long week. Can he walk?" Mathias said.  
"I'm here, you idiot, you don't have to talk like I was deaf or something. And yes, I can walk but walking and stading at the same time is impossible, so please help me", Lukas said and glared Mathias. The Dane laughed, left his motorcycle and helped Lukas to sit on it.  
"Thank you, and I hope I'll see you at my next party, right?" Arthur asked when Mathias was about to leave. The Dane nodded.  
"Sure! Thank you for watching after this little drinker. See you at school."

Mathias literally carried Lukas inside the Bondeviks' house and somehow he managed to get Lukas to sit down on a chair in the kitchen. Lukas' parents were in Norway as a weekend holiday, so Mathias didn't even try to be silent. He gave a glass full of water to Lukas and sat down next to him.  
"Drink that and then you should take a shower. I'll stay over night", the Dane said and Lukas nodded. He drank the water slowly, but was able to finish the whole glass.  
"This situation is so... funny", the Norwegian said.  
"You mean you're drunk and I'm sober?"  
"Ja."  
"I think it's really nice this way", Mathias said, took the empty glass and filled it again. After Lukas was done with that glass, Mathias made sure he was able to walk and then they went upstairs. Mathias literally lived his whole childhood in Bondeviks' house because his own parents were always working, so he quickly found their way to the bathroom. He handed a towel to Lukas and smiled. Lukas took that towel but didn't move.  
"Mathias...?"  
"Yes?"  
"Can you wash my hair?"  
"Lukas, you're 17."  
"And you're 18. Can you?" Mathias sighed and took another towel with him.  
"Fine."

Mathias met Lukas when he was eight years old and he and his parents were just moved to London from Denmark. Lukas and his parents were living next to them and boys spent all their afternoons playing together. When Mathias and his parents moved to another part of London, their friendship didn't disappear even though they went to different schools. It was normal to them to sleep next to each other, take a shower together or tell everything what they had going on in their minds. Without noticing it, Mathias fell in love to Lukas, but because he knew Lukas' parents and their values he decided to shut up and just be their son's best friend. It was painful, because Lukas wasn't religious or conservative himself, but he loved his parents as much as Mathias loved his own. And in Mathias' opinion, Lukas wasn't ready for any kind of deeper relationship – not after his big loss.

"Mathias?"  
"Yeap?" They were sitting on Lukas' bed, even though it was almost 3 am and they both were tired. Mathias didn't want to sleep before Lukas and the Norwegian had too much to think about. So they just sat there in silence until Lukas spoke.  
"I just thought that Emil..." Mathias sighed.  
"No, Lukas. We won't talk about this topic again. I've talked about this with you many times, and you definitely aren't sober enough to talk about this. Now you should just go to sleep", Mathias said and placed his hands on Lukas' shoulders. The Norwegian was inexpressive.  
"But..."  
"No. You are great and wonderful person, and nothing was your fault. You did your best and you were the best brother ever, and you still are. Please, Lukas, can you just sleep now?"  
"Mathias..."  
"Shut up already, Lukas. I don't want to talk about this."  
"No, it's not about Emil."  
"Then go ahead."  
"I just wanted to say thank you for listening and helping me. Thank you for being there for me. I love you, you're like a big brother to me and I really hope you won't disappear from me like my little brother did", Lukas said and tears came to his eyes. Mathias smiled, hugged his friend and gently ran his fingers through Lukas' hair.  
"I love you, too."

Translations  
Hvor skal du hen? = Where are you going? (in Danish)  
Jeg = I, Jeg er = I am (in Danish)  
Går bare og har det sjovt. = Just go and have fun. (in Danish)  
Men ikke slog dig selv, ok? = But don't hurt yourself, okay? (in Danish)  
Ja = Yes (in Norwegian, but I think it's the same in Swedish and Danish, too XD)  
Thanks to my awesome friend** Tessa** (she doesn't have an account here) who is half Danish and was kind enough to translate these Danish sentences to me (because I can't speak Danish AT ALL).

**A/N2:** ...I think everybody knows already what happened to Emil but anywayyyy gonna clear it up later.  
So. You just met this chapter, but review maybe?


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: **...I'm so, so, so sorry. This chapter took me a lifetime to write because of my laziness, school work and my head. Had pretty hard times with myself and with couple of other people, so writing wasn't my number one task. I'm sorry. I try to catch up now with this and hopefully with my other stories I'm working on right now.

No, this isn't beta-read. I apologize. I waited for more than a week and my beta didn't answer me if she still wanted to beta-read this, so I decided to put this up. I hope there isn't too many mistakes.

The last thing - thank you. I got some really nice reviews and praises, and they made me cry (I'm over-emotional). There will be more of my babbling at the end of this chapter so you don't have to read them before getting into the next chapter~

Sooo... please try to enjoy, Think happy thoughts' chapter number 5!

Chapter 5

Tino trembled because of the freezing wind and tried to keep the cold away by tightening his blue scarf. The bus station was covered in orange and yellow leaves, and dark grey clouds were floating above London. Tino smiled – he loved autumn! Yes, it was cold and rainy season, and the darkness came quickly at evenings but Tino liked it after greenish and hot summer. Because he was from Finland he was used to the radical differences between seasons, and his mom loved the upcoming winter so much she already got their winter clothes out from the attic. Tino laughed to his scarf when he remembered how happy his mom was when the temperature dropped. Still smiling Tino jumped in the bus 64 which had just arrived to the station. Tino promised to meet Berwald at the museum after eleven, and he was already late. Tino's strong point was missing the right busses and trains, but somehow he always managed to come in time.

Tino waved his hand to Berwald and sprinted to him. Berwald smiled and watched how the little Finn stumbled his way from the bus stop to the museum's entrance. When Tino reacher Berwald they made their way inside to the huge building. After they got their tickets and a map of the museum Tino raffled their first destination by closing his eyes and pointing the map. And so they started their museum adventure with Ancient Egypt.

"I'm so happy I could come with you! This is so much fun", Tino said enthusiastically while they made their way through the museum. Berwald had his notebook filled with notes and quick sketches of the museum's exhibits. With Tino's knowledge he was able to understand the stories behind those exhibits and he was sure he could make a wonderful essay to his history teacher.  
"I h've h'd good t'me too. Th'nk ya for h'lpin' me w'th this", Berwald said and pointed his notebook. Tino shook his head and laughed.  
"Oh, no problem! You know, I love this place and all these stories! I'm a freak, don't you think?" the Finn laughed and scanned the map with his eyes. They were on the second floor and already lost – the museum was huge and full of corners and corridors.  
"No, ya aren't", Berwald said and got an abashed look from Tino.  
"Do you really think so? I-I mean, I got teased alot back in Finland because of my love towards history...", Tino said and tried to hide his uneasy expression behind the map. Truth to be told, he got bullied alot back in Finland. He was short and silent boy with almost girly face. He had no muscles and his eyes' color were weird – it wasn't blue but almost purple. He did fine at school, got good grades and spent most of his free time in library or museums. When one of his bullies saw his cuts during P.E. class and found out he talked with the school's social worker once a week, Tino's life turned into Hell. He immediately canceled his meetings with the school's social worker and wore long sleeved shirts even though it was almost summer, but his bullies had already saw it all. The bullying got worse, but Tino was too scared to tell anyone about it. He tried not to listen, he hided in the bathrooms during breaks and even skipped classes which he knew he shared with his bullies. And then, after three years of this kind of torture, his father got a job from England and they moved – just in time. Tino knew that he would be dead if he still lived in Finland. Even though he now had the most awesome friends and wonderful school, he couldn't stop cutting or forget his suicidal thoughts.  
"R'lly? But ya are so nice. And it dosn't matter if ya like history... Ev'ryone likes d'fferent th'ngs", Berwald said and shrugged. He didn't understand why all people should like same things – it would be extremely boring! Also, it was nice to have different kind of people around you.  
"Oh, thank you! I think so, too", Tino answered and smiled. He hadn't thought about his bullies for a while, but now he did it by accident and felt like an absolute failure. He wanted to cut. It was the worst feeling in the world – his body was shouting for physical pain and torture, but he couldn't do it. Tino didn't carry any knives or razors with him and cutting at school or another public place would be just pathetic. Tino took a deep breath and was able to keep his smile – his body knew it would get its pain at the evening.

"Thank you so much for today! See you at school on Monday", Tino said, smiled and waved to Berwald. The other boy nodded, made a movement with his hand which almost was a wave and disappeared inside a large detached house – his home. Tino was happy he could walk from the bus station with Berwald because it was already getting dark. Tino wasn't afraid of dark but it made him feel himself defenseless. Tino sighed and his breath turned into steam which floated a second in the air before disappearing. For some reason that made Tino smile even though that steam was a mark of winter and cold. He didn't enjoy winter but he didn't hate it, and for some reason snow made him feel like home. Yes, they lived in London and Tino wasn't waiting for meters high snow drifts like in Finland, but even a pinch of snow would make his winter better.  
"I'm home!" Tino shouted accidentally in English and got a laugh as an answer. His father came to the outer hall holding a cup of coffee in his hand. Tino's father was a tall and friendly man with blond hair and blue eyes. He worked alot and Tino didn't see him that much during weekdays but on weekends he usually spent quality time with his father who loved those precious moments with his only son. Tino had great relationships with his parents and he was proud of it; they were his saviors. No, they didn't know about Tino's cutting or suicidal thoughts but they were always supporting him, no matter what. And that was the reason why Tino didn't tell them about his addiction – he didn't want them to be afraid or worried because of him. He was so used of making his parents happy that making them cry was Tino's worst nightmare.  
"I'm going to my employer's birthday party this evening with your mom. We'll come home after midnight."  
"...miksi sä puhut englantia? Mä ymmärrän kyllä suomea vielä."  
"Ei susta koskaan tiedä", his father said, winked and laughed. Tino smirked and punched his father's arm.

* * *

Tino stared at the knife which he was holding in his hand and almost laughed through his tears. Not only his left arm was aching, but his right arm and both thighs were in pain, too. The floor around him was smudged in blood and tears, and so was Tino's T-shirt and pajama shorts. Tino put the knife down on the floor and slowly stood up. He felt how blood flowed down his thighs and made its way to the floor. Tino's sight was blurred because of tears and the dizziness he felt. The Finn grabbed his mobile phone from his bed, opened his contacts and scrolled down to the letter 'L'.  
"I think I might need help."

Lukas hated hospitals. The smell of disinfectant was floating in the air, all the walls were white or ugly green and old people with their walking sticks and white, two sizes too big pyjamas just made Lukas sad and fraught. He closed his eyes and told himself not to cry. He didn't usually cry when he was sober, no. He could control his emotions pretty well, but this hospital and all its seemingly bored doctors made Lukas so angry.  
"You came with that blond guy, did you?"  
"He has a name", Lukas answered but nodded to the doctor. He was tall, dark haired man with glasses and tired expression. He was surprised by Lukas' cold voice and laughed awkwardly when a little blush made its way to his cheeks.  
"Yeah, yeah... He is ready to leave."  
"And?"  
"And what?"  
"What you are going to do with him? I mean, Tino tried to kill himself. You can't just bandage him up and then throw him out. Isn't that against some kind of law or something?" The doctor shrugged and before Lukas could hold himself back he stood up and grabbed the man's jacket's collars. "I can't lose him, okay? If you don't get any help to him I'll fucking kill you and burn this whole hospital down and-"  
"Hey, let him go!" Someone forced Lukas' fingers to let go from the collars and then that someone pulled the Norwegian boy away from the doctor. "What's wrong with you?"  
"He just snapped, I really didn't do anything!" the doctor said, looking shocked.  
"You were being extremely stupid. No wonder people die in hospitals if they aren't even helped! That kind of man shouldn't be a doctor, I'm sure I'll-"  
"Lukas." All the three heads turned when they heard a silent voice. Tino was standing in the middle of the corridor wearing a long tank top, grey college pants and a leather jacket. He looked even smaller than he actually was because of the unsual clothes, and he had a sad and tired look in his eyes. The Norwegian sighed, scowled the two doctors once more and took Tino's hand.  
"Let's go."

The streets were silent and empty, it was a night after all. Lukas tried to keep himself warm by moving his fingers while he walked forward. At times he glanced on his side and made sure Tino was still walking next to him. Tino seemed to be mentally beaten up – his usually lively eyes were dark and he didn't smile. Lukas let out a breath of sadness and without a word he took Tino's right hand, slowly caressing the Finn's palm with his thumb. Lukas was happy that Tino managed to call him after his accident, and he came to the Finns' house as fast as he could. It was hard to ignore all the blood on the floor, but Lukas was relieved that Tino didn't take any pills or tried to strangle himself. Now he only had many bandages on his arms and thighs and a local psychologist's phone number inside his wallet.  
"I just want you to know that I'm not going to judge you for what you did", the Norwegian said when they had walked in a silence for a while, Lukas still caressing Tino's hand.  
"Thank you."  
"Can I still ask a question?" Lukas saw how Tino nodded slowly and felt a little squeeze around his fingers – the Finn was scared. "What was the reason?"  
"Reason?"  
"No-one does something like that without a reason. Did it have something to do with Berwald? You spent your day with him, right? Did he do or say something? Or did your parents do something? I should've called to you, I had that feeling at the evening but I didn't do it... I'm so stupid! Tino, I'm really sorry you had to even think about cutting yourself again! Can I somehow make this up to you? I... I'm so worried about you! And now I'm crying even though you just had a massive rock bottom... I'm sorry!" Tino stared at Lukas. The Norwegian wasn't normally that talkative and now he just spitted words out in some kind of panic. Lukas was holding Tino's hands and tears were making their way to his cheeks. "I'm just so scared I'll lose you..." Tino pulled Lukas into a hug and felt how the Norwegian's tears came more powerful. Slowly he stroked Lukas' back and tried to calm him down.  
"I'll never leave you. Never. And this isn't your, Berwald, Mathias or my parent's fault. I just remembered some things from my past and that's it. I'm sorry I made you feel bad", Tino whispered. Lukas was still crying, but not as much as at the beginning.  
"I'm sorry I'm this pathetic, Tino. But you remind me so much of that loved one of mine who... who is gone now."

* * *

Tino woke up when he felt a horrible pain in his arms. Slowly he opened his eyes and it took a moment before he could recall where he was. The bed was soft and warm and the room around him was pretty boring with couple of framed photographies on the walls and a violin case in the corner. Tino sat up and glanced his arms: row of stitches and lines of bandages. He could feel more bandages on his thighs and he started to feel nauseous. He slumped on his back and left out a sigh. He heard someone's silent talking from the downstairs but he was too tired to hear the actual words. He was surprised he was still physically alive but at the same time he was relieved. He felt himself stupid and even more depressed than he used to be.  
"Tino?" the Finn sat up and nodded to Lukas who entered the room. The Norwegian sat on the edge of the bed and glanced quickly Tino's arms – the other teen was able to see some pain at Lukas' eyes. "Your father called and I told him everything. I'm really sorry."

Translations  
...miksi sä puhut englantia? Mä ymmärrän kyllä suomea vielä. - ...why are you talking English? I can still understand Finnish.  
Ei susta koskaan tiedä. - you can never be sure when it's about you.

**A/N2:** making things clear: I have my exam week coming soon and I know I won't be able to write/update before or during it. So unfortunately (?) you have to wait at least three weeks before the next chapter. I'm sorry. I'm also going through a really bad period of my depression (again), and during that I just can't do anything creative. I'm sorry. But please, you don't have to worry about me - I'll meet my doctor next week and probably getting better medication and stuff (: I've had hard times while writing this chapter but I'm feeling better now. Thank you for your patient waiting - I appreciate it.

Also, I'm really bad at answering the reviews and stuff here, but if you want to talk about writing, fanfiction, Hetalia or, well, anything feel free to contact me on Tumblr where I spend all my free time~ my url is hallucination-stories. I'm also looking for RP-friends, so~


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N:** ...wooaah. I told I wouldn't update this or anything before my exam week is over but things happened - I had a horrible night with nightmares and not too much sleep and when the clock was 8 am I got a HUGE inspiration for this. So I woke up, sat down and wrote this chapter to the end. And actually... I kinda like it. hih.

This chapter is pretty different compared to the other chapters. This has some FLUFF (omg) and deep thoughts. Like, let me summarize this chapter: deep conversations and tears and kisses. yay.

Yeah. I'll babble some more at the end of the chapter so you don't have to read these and so on. So... please (try to) enjoy~

Think happy thoughts - Chapter 6

"Tino did wha'?" It was early Sunday afternoon, and a weak shade of light tried to make its way inside the windows, failing perfectly. Earlier that day Lukas walked Tino home and called Mathias, telling everything what happened to the Finn last night. Mathias wanted to meet, so he told Berwald to come to the city center and now they were sitting at a table in a McDonald's, a large serving of fries in front of them. Lukas sighed and kept his eyes down, he was way too ashamed to look at his friends.  
"Lukas, you did nothing wrong." The Norwegian glanced his Danish friend and sighed again.  
"They seemed to be worried. Tino's parents, I mean. I... I didn't talk with them, I just left when I was sure that Tino was safe. But they didn't know anything, it was a shock to them. And I shocked them by telling!" Berwald and Mathias changed a tired look and the Swedish boy sighed. They looked how Lukas picked up one fry, stared at it and then ate it.  
"Lukas, we know you are the one who is shocked now. You're really worried about Tino, and it's understandable."  
"I am not shocked!"  
"Lukas, you ate a fry." Mathias said, referring to the fact that the Norwegian never ate fast food.

After a short silence Mathias sighed and gently touched Lukas' cold fingers with his own. "You did the right thing. If Tino's parents didn't know, it's good they know now. They love Tino over anything, and they'll do their everything to get some professional help to him. You know it. Last night was hard, but you made through it and you did exactly what you needed to do. Don't blame yourself, really. Lukas, look at me. Tino isn't mad at you and his parents are happy you told them", Mathias said and fought against the urge to hug Lukas over the table. There were tears behind the Norwegian's eyes, and he did his best to not let them fall.  
"Things l'ke th't happens, but Tino is 'live now and he will g't some help", Berwald said and Mathias nodded. Lukas bit his lip and took a deep breath.  
"So was Emil. He tried to kill himself, but failed and he got all the fucking help this world can ever afford. He got medication, he met a therapist twice a week, he saw a doctor every month... and where is he now? Oh, yeah. He is dead now! When someone is suicidal, a little help doesn't actually help. I don't want that to happen to Tino, really. If he kills himself I have no fucking idea what I would do. Emil was fine when no-one knew, yes he cut himself and had suicidal thoughts but he changed to worst when he started to see that therapist. He didn't get any better, no, he killed himself", Lukas said and stood up. "Whatever, I'm going", the Norwegian said and left the two of his friends alone in the restaurant with the fries. Berwald stared after his friend while Mathias sighed and took his phone out of his pocket.  
"G'nna call?" the Swedish said.  
"Yeap. To Tino."

* * *

A cold, autumn-ish breeze wandered through Lukas' hair and made them even messier. He lifted his jacket's collars up and hoped it wouldn't start raining.  
"I'm so sorry, Emil." In front of the blond teen was a grey, tall stone with dark letters on it. Some people with candles and flowers walked past Lukas and he felt those people's strange glances on his back. Sure, it wasn't the most usual thing to see while wandering on a cemetery – a tall teen sitting in front of one grave, tears in his eyes.  
"I'm so sorry I didn't help you." Lukas couldn't feel his fingers, they were that cold and numb already. The cold wind burned his teary eyes and his thin jacket wasn't strong enough to keep the cold away. Dark clouds were gathering in the sky and it would start raining soon.  
"I love you so much." Lukas hugged his knees and buried his face against them. He was so weak, crying on his brother's grave when he had a chance to catch some kind of supercold or something as dangerous. He took a shivering breath and bit his lip. He missed his little brother so much, and now he was forced to experience all the bad things happening again to Tino... It wasn't fair, Lukas life was never fair. What had he done in his previous life?

"He knows it." Lukas' head snapped up when he heard a familiar voice next to him. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and soon Mathias was sitting next to him. "Emil, I mean. He knows you love him." Lukas closed his eyes, he didn't want to show his tears to Mathias. The Dane saw his friend's pathetic try to be strong and he wrapped his arms around Lukas, stroking gently his back.  
"Emil... I know you didn't like Mathias. But you have to understand this now – he is my everything. I wouldn't be here without him. He loved you, I know it. Yes, he never said that but I know it. And somehow I know that you loved him, too. He was like a big brother to you when I failed to be one. I hope you don't feel anything painful anymore, because you probably are pretty mad at me right now. But please forgive me, Emil. I... I just love him", Lukas said, staring his brother's gravestone. Mathias kept stroking his friend's back, encouraging Lukas to say everything he had kept inside him. The Dane knew Lukas visited Emil's grave now and then, maybe just to feel his brother's presence once again. It didn't sound healthy, it was already a year since Emil's successful suicide attempt and still Lukas went to the cemetery just to talk with his younger brother. But somehow Mathias understood, Lukas was still in pain. His and Emil's relationship wasn't the warmest one, and Lukas regretted it. And because Lukas was who he was, there was no chance he would start to talk about his feelings to someone who actually could answer.

Suddenly Lukas shook Mathias' hands away around himself and stood up. Tears streamed down his face and there was anger in his eyes.  
"Did you hear me? I fucking love you! My parents would probably send me to the other side of the world if they heard this, but I don't care. You literally are my everything, even though I don't want to admit it. You're the one who always comes and saves me when I'm in trouble, when I'm drunk and can't walk. When I need someone to just hold me and tell me I'm enough. I failed as a brother, I failed so badly but still you comforted me and stayed with me. I love you Mathias, I love you. I don't want to lose you, I'm so afraid I will because I deserve it after all this, but I don't want!" Mathias stood up, lifted Lukas' head up with his fingers and pressed their lips together to stop the flood of words.

* * *

Tino didn't go to school on Monday. He just laid in his bed, blankets wrapped around him and stereos screaming his favorite music. It kinda calmed him down, that melodic but still hard music and warmness around him. He kept his eyes closed even though he was widely awake, cuts burning and fingers numb. He told everything to his parents last night, and they all cried more than a lake. Tino's parents were feeling bad and they were scared to leave Tino alone. But truth to be told, Tino was too tired to think about hurtiung himsef or actually doing anything expect listening to music.

When Tino felt the sleep to reach his body and the sounds started to become a mess in his ears, he heard a familiar sound – his phone's message voice. Silently groaning the Finn stood up and took his phone from his table, quickly opening the message he had received.

_From: Berwald  
_"_Hey. Can I come over after school?"_

Tino read the message at least six times before he understood it clearly enough. He answered with a short _"__yes"_ and snuggled back to his bed. It would took at least two more hours before Berwald was ready to come, so Tino decided to take a quick nap so he wouldn't meet his friend looking like a walking corpse. Which he absolutely was, but maybe sleeping more than just an hour would make the difference.

Tino woke up when heard his phone's ringtone. He reached to his phone and answered without watching who was calling him in the middle of his nap.  
"Moi?"  
"Hey. I'm le'ving from school now, 'bout ten minut's", Berwald said. Tino glanced the clock on his wall and nodded when he saw it actually was already three pm.  
"Yeah, sure. I can start walking to school so we would meet at halfway?" Tino suggested when he cranked himself out of the bed and searched with his eyes for his favorite hoodie.  
"Nah, I'll find mah way. Se' yah then", Berwald said and the Finn was able to hear a little smile from the Swedish boy's voice.  
"Okay, I'll make something to eat then. Just come in when you're here", Tino said and after quick good-byes he threw his phone on his bed and went to downstairs. He had no clue if he could actually make something what someone else was ready to eat, but he would try his best.

For some reason Berwald liked the Väinämöinens house. It had two floors and a large balcony where Tino's mom planted all kinds of flowers during summer. Now there was a light blue Christmas illuminations hanging from the balcony, looking like there were icicles all over the edge. Carefully Berwald made his way to the door and rang the doorbell before opening the door. He didn't want to scare Tino by rushing inside without any kind of warning.

"Berwald? I'm in the kitchen", Tino yelled behind the corner. Berwald took his shoes and jacket off and went to the large, spacious kitchen which had the most modern electronics and a large table in the middle of the room with four chairs. Tino was standing in front of the stove, cooking something which smelled incredibly good. Berwald didn't know Tino was so good at kitchen, he never asked someone to come over and eat with him. Even Mathias did that, and he wasn't that praiseworthy when it came to cooking.  
"Hi." Berwald said and smiled when he saw a little smile on Tino's face. Tino looked a little bit sick, he was pale and even though he was wearing pair of loose pants and an extra large hoodie Berwald could tell he had lost some weight. But his smile was real, you could tell that by watching his eyes – they sparkled again.  
"Hey, I really hope you're hungry because I don't want to eat alone. I haven't eat anything today and I realized how hungry I actually am", Tino laughed when he poured the pasta in a sieve and washed them with a cold water.  
"Yah, I'm. The school lunch sucked today... 'gain", Berwald said and Tino chuckled.  
"So you ate at the McDonald's again, right?" the taller teen nodded and Tino laughed, getting some plates out of the cupboard.  
"Can I help?" Berwald asked but Tino shook his head.  
"Nah, I got this. Just sit down and give me two minutes, the food is ready anyway", the Finn said and Berwald nodded, little smile on his lips.

"Sooo... I bet Lukas told everything what happened, right?" The two teens were sitting at the large kitchen table, a delicious plates of pasta in front of them. A rain drummed the roof and it was getting a little bit cold inside the house.  
"Kinda. I'm worried, Tino, 'bout yah." Berwald said and looked Tino in the eyes. The other teen sighed and nodded, giving a little smile to his friend.  
"I know, I'm sorry. Everything just got a little bit too hard, and I decided to act selfish", the Finn said and played with his too large hoodie's sleeves. They were long enough to cover his fingers and he usually had hard times trying not to get them dirty and on the way all the time when he was wearing that shirt.  
"Yah weren't selfish, not at 'll. But... what are yah gonna do now on? S'me help would do somethin'", Berwald said and Tino nodded, placing his empty plate further away on the table.  
"I talked with my parents and they said they aren't letting some doctors to hospitalize me. I'll start seeing a psychologist and maybe a therapist later. My mom called to one doctor and he said a medication should be good, but I have to talk with him and the psychologist a bit before they can decide that. My parents will check my room at times in case of knives or blades and so on... I have a feeling I'm safe, because they aren't mad at me and you guys are still with me", Tino said and bit his lip to keep the tears away. He was simply amazed that Berwald wanted to see him after all what happened, and that Mathias called him yesterday. They were worried, of course, but everything would work out back to the old eventually. Or at least that was what Tino hoped.  
"Yah look sad", the Swedish teen said. He wanted to hug the shorter teen and tell him everything would get better, but he was scared to do that. They weren't that close yet, and Tino seemed to be really hurted at the moment.  
"I just... When I was at the hospital and that doctor bandaged my wounds I cried because I was so disappointed. I wanted to die, no, I _want_ to die so badly and then I failed. Now I'm hurting more people than I would have hurted with dying. It makes me want to kill myself even more... I know this sounds stupid, but I'm so pathetic – I can't even kill myself! Berwald, I'm really sorry I caused all this. I don't want you to worry about me. At the moment I want to die but maybe someday I won't. And... please don't blame yourself. I see it from your eyes that you're blaming yourself just because I spent my Saturday with you. The truth is that I had the most wonderful Saturday ever, I enjoyed to spend time with you. Really. I just started to think too much and I couldn't handle my mind", Tino said and wasn't even sorry for all the talking. Berwald watched him, some sadness and worry in his blue eyes. The Finn sighed and smiled, without faking it. He collected the empty plates and slided them in the sink, he would put them in to the dishwasher later. Then he stretched and walked in front of Berwald who was still sitting at the table, his eyes on Tino. The Finn smiled and placed his hands on Berwald's shoulders.  
"If you start to worry about me now even more, I'll be mad at you. Don't do it. I'll be fine, I promise it to you. I won't let you down again, I'll try my hardest", Tino said. Berwald looked Tino in the eyes, he saw the familiar sparkle and shy smile in those purple-ish eyes which stared back at him. Slowly the taller teen cupped Tino's face and gave a light, smiling kiss to his lips. Tino looked at his friend with a confusion when Berwald stood up and smiled.  
"I'll see yah at school t'morrow, right?" Tino nodded and smiled, a light pink color making its way to his cheeks. Berwald put his shoes on and buttoned his jacket up, before turning back to Tino and ruffling his hair. "Thank yah for the dinner. It was delicious."

* * *

Mathias loved the scent of Lukas' hair. The vanilla got mixed with the scent of Lukas' shower gel, and the result was enough to make Mathias remember Lukas' scent the rest of his life.  
"I hope you know he isn't mad at you", Mathias whispered in Lukas' hair and caressed the shorter teen's hand with his thumb. It was an early Tuesday morning but their alarm hadn't went off yet, so the two of them were spending their lazy morning minutes by laying on the bed Mathias' arms around Lukas' chest, his nose on the back of Lukas' neck.  
"Who are you talking about?" the Norwegian asked with a sleepy voice. He wasn't really awake yet, and the warmness of Mathias' body glued on his own didn't help him to wake up.  
"Tino. I called him on Saturday and yesterday", Mathias revealed and kissed Lukas' hair.  
"Why you didn't tell that to me earlier?" Lukas wanted to know. He turned around and was now facing Mathias sleepy but bright eyes. Mathias smiled and shrugged, which really didn't look like a shrug because he was under a blanket and his arms were still around Lukas.  
"Because you knew it already, silly. But Tino is coming to school today so I wanted you to actually know it", the taller teen said and smiled when Lukas frowned.  
"Hmph. Fine. Thank you, I guess", the Norwegian said and closed his eyes in irritation when Mathias' phone's alarm went off. The Dane gave a quick kiss to his boyfriend's lips and got up. Lukas refused to actually get up yet, so Mathias gave him a five minutes to lay there, between warm blankets which smelled like Mathias.

**A/N2:** hah. haha. hahaha. DenNor is my OTP so please forgive me ._.' this IS a SuFin fiction, it'll be!

So uhm. I'm going through pretty hard times (again) but actually writing this is some kind of therapy to me. I'm really sorry I actually made some of you worry about me because of the last chapter's Author's notes, I really didn't mean to do so! Don't worry about me, I'm alright.

And hmm. I'm actually going to write a little spin-off to this, about Emil and Lukas' past. I can upload it here when it's ready if someone wants to read it. This story won't go back to Emil that much later on, even though he surely is an important character but... I think you got the point. Writing about him makes me really sad and I don't want to write about sad Lukas, okay haha that's pretty bad excuse but yeah.

I have some plans for this fiction for sure. I know how this will end and the big plot twists, but I have no idea how to go from spot A to spot B. But I have some plans, and I'm pretty sure they aren't the most usual ones. But I can maybe promise something: there will be smut later, and another cutter. Yay? (Don't get too excited, I can't write smut at ALL lol.)

So... my psychology books are staring at me pretty badly, I have the exam on Monday and I have millions of terms to learn. So I'm going to go and read some psychology, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and so on. You can still find me on tumblr (my url changed, it's butterfly-hallucinations), and I'm willing to talk if you have something to say (:


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: **asdfg guys I'm sorry. I understand if you have already lost your interest in this story. I actually had too. I'll explain more of my current situation at the end of the chapter so those who don't want to read them don't have to.

But... this is a chapter I would LOVE to get some reviews. You'll understand why when you read it to the very end. Thank you, and enjoy~ :3

Chapter 7

"Hey Tino, didn't you have your birthday a week ago?" A large group of students were sitting in the school's library, ready to do their homework before the next class would start after five minutes. It was snowing and it was cold, but at the end the weather was nice and the sun was shining brightly through the snowflakes. It had been four days since Tino came back to school and he had enjoyed every moment, his friends, his teachers, his homework, everything.  
"Yes, yes I did", the Finn said and smiled to Feliciano. The Italian smiled back, his math book abandoned on his lap.  
"You didn't hold a party, right?" Tino shook his head. He thought about throwing some kind of birthday party, but at the end he messed up so badly he didn't want to celebrate.  
"Nah, didn't feel like doing so", he said and smiled. He felt Lukas' eyes on his back but the Norwegian didn't say anything so Tino didn't feel like starting a conversation with him.  
"Wouldn't it be nice to celebrate it? We, me and my brother, thought to have a party on this weekend. Maybe we should celebrate your birthday then?" the Italian boy said. Tino smiled, he liked parties. It doesn't mattered was he celebrating something real or just trying to relax, getting drunk with your friends was always fun. Especially now when he felt safe enough.  
"Well, it would be nice. If it's okay to your brother, too? And I don't want any presents", Tino said. Feliciano nodded and took his phone out of his pocket.  
"I'll call to Lovi and tell him. I'm sure it's okay. Just spread the word, everybody are welcome", Feliciano said and disappeared from the library to call to his brother. Feliciano's brother, Lovino, was friends with everybody from their school but he chose to go to another high school. He had his own friends from his school but still he enjoyed his brother's friends and their company as much as earlier. And, truth to be told, all the others loved Lovino even though he was very different compared to his brother.  
"So... are you guys coming?" Tino asked when the bell rang and they packed their bags.  
"I'm soooo coming, don't worry", Mathias said smiling and left the library quickly because he had his class on the other side of the building.  
"I haven't been in a good party for a while. It's great Feliciano told us about this", Lukas said, threw a little smile to Tino and Berwald and left the two teens alone in the library. Tino laughed nervously and looked Berwald in the eyes.  
"Will you come?"  
"If yah are there, yes."

* * *

"Did you know Antonio and Lovino are dating?"  
"What? No I didn't!" The Saturday night was a chilly one, but luckily it wasn't snowing. A cold wind messed up the teens' hair when they were walking down the street to the Vargas' house.  
"Yeah, I chatted with Antonio yesterday after school and he told me. They've been together only a couple of weeks but truth to be told... I think they're perfect for each other", the Norwegian boy said and smiled. Lovino wasn't the most normal guy, but neither was Antonio. Their personalities were different but deep down both of them were caring and lovely.  
"Good for them", Mathias said and knocked the door. Lukas smiled and placed a quick kiss on his boyfriend's cheek before anyone come to the door. Just a seconds later an enthusiastic Italian opened the door and smiled to his friends.  
"Great to see you! Come in, please", Feliciano said and let the two Scandinavian teens inside the house. Mathias and Lukas left their jackets on the coat rack and went to the kitchen where they put their bottles of alcohol to the fridge.

There were a lot of people already. Most of them were from their school, but there were a couple of strange faces. They were from Lovino's school, or at least that was what Lukas thought. Tino was chatting with two of them, a small Asian one and a little bit taller, brown-haired boy. Lukas took one bottle with him and wandered through the living room to Tino.  
"Hey", he said and sat next to the Finnish boy. Tino smiled to him.  
"Hey, Lukas. Did Mathias come too? You are late!" the Finn said but laughed. Lukas was able to tell from his friend's face that he had already drank a couple of bottles.  
"Yes, we thought not to start so soon so we would have a little bit more fun when we watch you guys being drunk", the Norwegian said and smiled a little. Tino rolled his eyes but his smile didn't disappear anywhere. Lukas was happy to see that Tino was feeling a lot better now, that his smile wasn't faked and there were a light in his eyes. Sure he had scars in his arms and many thoughts in his head, but at that moment it didn't matter – Tino smiled, chatted with others and laughed.  
"Oh, right! Lukas, this is Leon and this is Demitri. They're from Lovi's school", Tino said and Lukas nodded to the other boys. "Aaaaaanndd speaking of that, do you know where Lovino is?" Lukas shook his head.  
"No, I only saw Feli. Maybe he's in the kitchen?" Lukas suggested and Tino nodded, stood up and went to the kitchen.

The kitchen was big and it had that warm feeling in it. It truly was an Italian kitchen, and for some reason Tino loved it. Around the large kitchen table were noisy teenagers, bottles and glasses in front of them. Tino spotted Lovino's head and sneaked to sit next to him.  
"Do you know where my glass went?" the Finn asked and got many giggles. Lovino smiled and patted the blonde's head.  
"Yes. I put it there on the draining board", the Italian said and Tino nodded, heading to the other side of the kitchen to get his glass. He found it and poured some fresh water in it from a bottle with water and ice cubes. He was feeling great but he knew that if he wouldn't stop now for a moment his condition would be a lot worse after a couple of hours.  
"Are yah already stoppin'?" Tino turned his eyes to a tall boy next to him and smiled, sheaking his head.  
"No! I'll just take a little break", the Finn said and got a little smile from Berwald. The Swedish one didn't like alcohol that much, and he was usually the person who saved others when they were too drunk to find a bed. He drank a little but was always sober enough which made Tino feel safe. His own tolerance with alcohol wasn't that good and he usually didn't know when to stop.  
"So... if yah takin' a break, wanna come with me?" Berwald asked after a short silence.  
"Where?" the shorter boy wanted to know, but he didn't wait for the answer – Tino put his glass back to the draining board, took Berwald's hand and couldn' help but smile when the other boy led him upstairs.

The house was big but kinda old-fashioned. It felt like home even when you visited it for the first time. At the end of the corridor there was a large window where you could see the starry night sky and the neighborhood with beautiful houses and gardens, even though they were kinda dead now because of the season. The two boys stood in front of the window and Tino smiled to the stars he was able to see from the window. The sky was dark blue, not black, and the white and golden stars lightened the whole world up.  
"It's beautiful, huh?" the Finn said and leaned against the window's sill. Berwald nodded, staring the stars and slowly intertwining his fingers with Tino's.  
"I love yah." Tino's smile got wider and he moved his eyes from the sky to Berwald. The Swedish boy was smiling a bit, trying to hide it from Tino.  
"I love you too", the Finn said and placed a little kiss on Berwald's lips. Berwald smiled more and sighed.  
"I'm really tir'd already. I didn't sleep well", the taller boy said and without a hesitation Tino squeezed his boyfriend's hand.  
"Can I come with you? I don't have a mood for a party right now, especially if I know I can spend my whole night with you", the Finn said, causing a little laugh to escape from Berwald's lips.  
"Right. Of course yah can."

The Finn and the Swede left the Vargas' house after saying a quick good-byes to everybody. Most of the teens were really drunk and ready to go to sleep soon, and because of that Tino was sure they wouldn't miss anything too spectacular. Lovino was of course a bit disappointed that Tino left so early, but he promised to come a visit on the morning. Of course everybody understood that Tino and Berwald wanted to spend some time together, because well they all knew the two of them were together. Officially no-one knew about their relationship, not even Tino or Berwald, but it was like an unwritten rule of the world.  
"Mah parents aren't home, they'll come in the mornin'", Berwald said when they reached his home. Tino nodded and yawned, stepping inside the house.  
"It's okay, I'm pretty sure we can get each other to the bed by ourselves", Tino said, heading to Berwald's room.

The shorter boy liked Berwald's room. It wasn't really that big, and it only had a large bed and a table with a chair, and there was a wardrobe in the corner. Nothing too fancy, but the colours were nice and comforting. Tino liked it, it was way nicer than his own room and that was exactly why he had spent a lot of time in the Oxenstiernas' home lately. And well, they lived closer to the school, so he got to sleep later in the mornings. A pale moonlight made its way to the room through window and Tino decided not to switch the light on. It was lovely, and they were able to see in front of them without the electric lights. Berwald came in to the room and saw Tino standing in the middle of his room, staring out of the window a sheepish smile on his lips. Tino was... he was beautiful. Berwald loved Tino's personality, his sense of humor and everything but he couldn't avoid the fact that his boyfriend was beautiful. His eyes were shining even when he was sad, he wasn't too short and Berwald liked the way Tino's hair was straight even when the wind messed it up. And his smile was so bright, seeing Tino's smile as the first thing in the morning made Berwald smile too, on the inside at least.  
"Berwald? Is everything alright?" the called boy blinked and moved his eyes down to Tino who was now standing in front of him, a little bit worried look on his face. Berwald placed his hand on the side of Tino's head and kissed his lips.  
"Yes", was his short answer before Tino pulled him back to another kiss. Without asking for a permission the Finn's tongue was inside Berwald's mouth, gently pushing the taller boy closer to the bed. Carefully Berwald wrapped his arms around Tino's waist and sat down on the bed, getting the Finn to sit on his lap. Their tongues were dancing together, slowly finding their mutual pace. Slowly the Swedish boy touched Tino's bare skin under his shirt and took the shirt off, causing a little moan to escape from the Finn's mouth. Berwald ran his fingers from Tino's back to his neck and kissed his collarbone tenderly.  
"Uhm~", was everything Tino could say, and that was enough to Berwald. He pushed Tino down on the bed and rejected The Finn's protests by taking over his mouth. When he knew the smaller one wasn't going to protest anymore, Berwald started slowly kiss his way down to Tino's neck, over the collarbones and on his chest. Tino squirmed under Berwald's loving touches and couldn't help but moan when the taller one's fingers drew abstract patterns on his sides. The Swedish boy stopped his hands when they reached the zipper of Tino's jeans and he glanced quickly the other boy. Tino was breathing a little bit heavier than usual, eyes closed and a little smile on his lips. He was feeling good, and it was caused by Berwald. As an encouragment Berwald nodded even though he knew no-one could see and unzipped Tino's pants. Before he could do anything more Tino's hand was behind his neck and their lips were touching again. With the other hand the Finn helped Berwald to take his shirt off, and soon Tino was marking Berwald's neck with his lips and teeth.

"Tino." When the Finn's name escaped from Berwald's mouth with a small sigh of pleasure he moved his lips to Berwald's chest, playing with his nipples while running his fingers through Berwald's short hair. That was enough to the taller boy and finally he got Tino out of his pants. The Finn yelped when he was pushed on his back and Berwald kissed the slowly growing bulge through his underwear. Soon Tino's jeans were removed and the Finn couldn't hold a moan back when, agonizingly slowly, Berwald worked with his tongue on Tino's erection. A louder voice escaped somewhere from the shorter teen's throat while the Swedish boy took Tino in his mouth, everytime a bit deeper. Berwald smiled when Tino couldn't hold his hips down and with a teasing lick on the slit and a couple of firm strokes the Finn came on Berwald's hand with a loud moan.

It took a moment of silence before Tino got his breath catched, but soon enough their lips were touching again.  
"I love you", Tino whispered to his boyfriend's ear and kissed the earlobe on his way to Berwald's neck. He placed many little kisses here and there while he unzipped the Swede's pants and with a little help from the taller teen they were soon accompanying Tino's jeans on the floor.  
"Wait", Berwald said. Tino nodded and laid on the bed while Berwald made a little trip around his room and came back with a simple bottle of lubricant. Some people think that kind of action would destroy the atmosphere but to be honest, on that moment Tino wanted Berwald more than ever before. Yes, it was their first time and Tino was so happy they didn't have to have that maybe a little awkward conversation about do they want to do it together – they both knew they wanted it more than anything else. Sure, the Finn felt himself a little bit tired already because of all the sensitive touched his body achieved and the one orgasm he already had but Berwald was too amazing. Inside his head Tino was crying the tears of happiness because he just could _feel_ how much Berwald cared about him: his touches were loving, he used his teeth in a such teasing way and at the end he didn't want to hurt Tino. And oh, how that turned Tino on.

Berwald opened the bottle and squeezed some lube on his hand.  
"Are you sure?" the taller boy asked. Tino sighed, rolled his eyes and cupped Berwald's face with his hands.  
"Yes. Because I know it's you. I love you and I trust you. Please, Berwald", the Finn said, placed a passionate kiss on the other's lips and nodded when a little confidence was making its way back to the Swede's eyes. Gently Berwald pushed one finger in and Tino bit his lip because of the weird sensation. He couldn't say he didn't like it, but it was something he hadn't experienced never before.  
"Am I hurting you?" With his eyes closed Tino shook his head and moved some locks away from his sweaty forehead. When a second finger was added next to the first the Finn couldn't hold a little cry in his throat. Fortunately that didn't scare Berwald, actually it just made him move his fingers faster inside Tino.  
"Berwald, oh...", Tino sighed, and with a careful movement the taller boy put the third finger in but he didn't stop pumping his fingers. Tino squirmed and a cry of pain and pleasure escaped from his mouth. After Berwald was sure Tino got used the feeling inside him he removed his fingers, spread some lube on his own erection and knelt behind Tino, kissing his inner thighs. Tino left out a silent moan, so Berwald placed himself at Tino's entrance and slowly thrusted in. Berwald moaned because of the feeling which was surrounding him and encouraged by the shaken breaths Tino was taking he started moving his hips. It didn't take much time to find the Finn's sweet spot, and catching a stable pace Berwald tried to hit that spot on every thrust.  
"Voi hyvä luoja", Tino sighed under his breath and after a couple of perfectly directed thrusts he came crying in pleasure. The feeling of his boyfriend orgasming around him made Berwald come too.

After a warm bliss where both of them somehow came back to the reality Tino couldn't help but smile widely. He snuggled closer to his boyfriend and placed a little kiss on his cheek.  
"I love yah", Berwald whispered and kissed Tino's forehead, smiling. Tino closed his eyes and let the taller teen to wrap his strong arms around his body. It was warm and Tino felt himself safe for the first time in weeks.

* * *

**Translations  
**"voi hyvä luoja" - "oh dear Lord" in Finnish

**A/N2:** so uhm yeah this took over 2 months or something? I'm so sorry. I could start explaining but I won't. I'll just say: I'm sorry this took so long. I totally lost my interest in writing for a really long time, and I'm slowly trying to find my love of it back. I haven't had really great times during these past months but that's all. I'm sorry. BUT. I have the plans for this story and I promise I'll update more often now on. You can come and slap me if I don't.

Yeah. I have never written smut before.


End file.
